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Deserved shame and the white anti-racist

On June 22, 2021 by 
 By: Lucia Sarmiento Verano

“Accompaniment (and therapeutic work with someone from a more marginalised group), as well as allyship and engaging in social justice struggles as a privileged person needs to be undertaken with an acceptance of likely failures and feelings of deserved shame. In this sense, we as white people need to do this work with the clear commitment of learning to sit with this discomfort without letting it become harmful by either manifesting in other ways (defensiveness or aggressivity), or by taking centre stage.”

Mary Watkins

“Shame is unhelpful in social justice” I heard the very famous Brené Brown say in an acclaimed podcast. I could not articulate why at the time, but I disagreed. Now, people that know me know that I am allergic to idols and celebrities, but it wasn’t about that. Hearing a white American woman say that so confidently, and other white Anglo women energetically agree with the statement, made me very uncomfortable.  I now understand that it’s the whole discourse around white shame that is often not helpful at all, instead of the shame itself.

In my last article I spoke of cultural shame, the shame of the oppressed. I am now attempting to put words on a very different phenomenon which is white shame, the shame of the oppressor/privileged. Usually, in social justice the experience of the privileged is not to be centred as this reproduces oppressive dynamics. Still, white shame-guilt needs to be discussed as it creates complex issues around white involvement in the anti-racist struggle. Please not that I use the words shame and guilt, and sometimes shame-guilt, almost interchangeably here. They are, of course, not the same thing but for the purpose of this article their experiences are similar and comparable.

Let me explain, for the readers that haven’t had the misfortune of seeing my face, I have white skin. I identify as blanca-mestiza, or white-mixed, but what is really important today, is that I am one of those anti-racists that has never been at the receiving end of racism. I grew up with white privilege (and power) and I am attempting to be as good an ally/accomplice as I can.

In my journey towards being an anti-racist that is consequent in their actions I have felt my fair share of white guilt and shame. This is not about me however, this is to say that I’ve made it through what seems in its moment like a harrowing, unbearable experience, and I survived unscathed. And so will you, fellow white anti-racist, no need to be afraid, nor be self-indulgent in this experience. You’ll be just fine. Remember this, people that are at the receiving end of racism cannot have the same assurance of safety. Time to pull yourself by your bootstraps, come with me, let’s talk about shame.

Shame and Whiteness:

The avoidance of shame as a disconnection from reality

Now reflect, have you ever heard anyone (in training or otherwise) speak about shame in a positive way? When is the last time you heard about the positives of shame and guilt?

When we hear about shame it is in a negative light. As therapists we learn to work with shame, toxic shame, chronic shame, and the aim of healing is to free oneself of these terrible and unfair feelings. It is never seen as ok or fair to feel there is something wrong with ourselves. Probably with good reason. There is however, one form of shame that is seldom mentioned: the shame of the privileged.

Undeserved shame is what we usually address in therapy, what we know as chronic or toxic shame coming from repeated misattunements in early years or from abuse. It can also be the cultural shame described in my last article, the result of mental colonisation and internalised inferiority in this white supremacist Eurocentric system.

M. Watkins distinguishes deserved from undeserved shame (2019). Deserved shame can be the social emotion we feel when we are deeply disappointed in ourselves  for the harm our actions or inaction have caused (whether it is intended or unintended).

In western culture there is an avoidance of the feeling of shame as opposed to certain eastern cultures for example, in which shame can be seen as a necessary emotion to help us live our lives with integrity (Markus and Kitayama, 1991) and adjust in society. The message is that there is needed reorientation in our way of being or acting, towards an integration of what we know and feel and how we live and act. In more collectivist cultures, shame might not be seen as negative, as it is a driver for people to adjust to social norms, thus enhancing social peace.

This is not the case in western culture, as exemplified by our negative views of shame. Social awareness can bring shame to the surface though, for example, the realization that poverty results from the actions of other human beings (us included) or that racism was created by white people to justify colonisation and exploitation and that we still benefit from that to this day. Awareness of our position in the global matrix of power and oppression can create powerful feelings of shame in the realization that one has also been responsible for causing or exacerbating the suffering of others.

This shame is usually avoided by complex social and psychological mechanisms. In fact, practices of social segregation in terms of class and race serve to preserve the privileged from feelings of deserved shame as to their social position by never confronting them with the reality of many others. In our profession, the dynamics of power and the barriers upon entry make it so we can be perfectly insulated from reality in our white British middle-class group, able to go about without feeling deserved shame and thinking we are doing good in the world. This is how so many of us can espouse humanistic values, declaring our belief in equal worth of all people and at the same time our ways of life and actions betray a failure to create meaningful relationships and necessary political solidarity to bring these values into daily reality. We live incongruent lives, professing the value of all people and actively upholding systems of oppression which dehumanise others.

We and our entire profession suffer from a lack of moral integrity in this sense, what Christopher LeBron calls Moral Disadvantage (LeBron, 2013).

So, it is a clear deliberate factor that our western individualistic mindset avoids shame like the plague, by creating ways of living in which we will seldom, if ever, be confronted with the shame/guilt of witnessing the horrors brought upon others by our way of life. In addition, we demonise the feelings of shame and guilt whenever they arise, not differentiating between undeserved and deserved shame. We actively work at trying to dispel it instead of examining what it is conveying or if change in our ways is needed to realign with a more ethical way of life. The status quo is maintained and people speaking up about harm in this society are also silenced and dismissed, accused of trying to shame people.

White guilt-shame and white centrality

For white people, guilt and shame are common reactions to engaging with racism and inequality issues, whether it is guilt and shame in realising our own racist attitudes or the ways in which we continue to benefit from systemic racism.

Judy Ryde alerts us to another possible effect of shame and guilt in white people, which is the narcissistic element in it (2009). Guilt can put you at the centre of what’s happened and can reveal and sense of omnipotence. She goes on to say this is a risk depending on how guilt is held, as if it is an end in itself, we could:

  • Resent the subject of the guilt unconsciously
  • Be paralised in acting
  • Make a show of it and centre oneself
  • Pressure others to absolve us

The way guilt and shame are held depend on childhood experiences of undeserved or toxic shame.

In white antiracist spaces we sometimes tend to focus on feelings of shame and guilt. We witness them becoming unmanageable and paralising experiences, accompanied by confusion and a sense of helplessness as to what we can do to change things. Make no mistake, a function of whiteness it to decentre from questioning the systemic aspect of oppression while focusing on individual experiences as it conveniently hinders possibilities for change.

Moreover, focusing on one’s own guilt and shame in anti-racist spaces means focusing on oneself and one’s own experience. It is focused on the ego, as opposed to the ‘other’ or the community. Individualism, individuation, Ego centring, another way in which whiteness and white supremacy operate. Another dynamic by which we are constantly deviating from possibilities for real change.

White people forget that their shame may be the most uncomfortable thing to go through in their anti-racism journey, but it is the least important when we speak of actual struggle for change. In fact, as Judy Ryde explains in her book, narcissistically focusing on our shame in our anti-racism may have the opposite effect: paralysis, more racist attitudes shown by us, performativity, more pressure on people of colour to cater to our needs, etc.

One clear example of this are white artists putting on so-called anti-racist performances where white shame-guilt is put on display through some grand and empty gesture that will only serve to absolve the whites of their shame-guilt, but will do nothing towards systemic change. The charity industry is another example of privileged folks working very hard at dispelling their shame, while at the same time not working for real systemic change.

It needs to stop. It does more harm than good. We will speak about processing shame and decentring later on.

Shame as a generative experience

This may seem contradicting and complex to navigate. On the one hand I am saying we avoid shame-guilt too much and should learn to feel it, on the other hand I am saying that we as white people tend to focus on our experience of shame too much and we should learn to decentre from it.

I tend to picture us as little useless pendulums going from one unhelpful extreme to the other, all the while we uphold the system with our actions or inaction and we perpetuate racism. Very clever.

Now, if it feels like a contradiction, I am inviting you to hold it.

If we keep running from shame, we will never help anything change. White shame-guilt is a weird creature as we don’t always feel it as such, but it manifests in other ways, such as various defenses or attacks (fragility, confusion, paralysis, anxieties, fear, etc.). When we acknowledge it in our consciousness it can also prove hard to move. Hopelessness or helplessness may arise.

In my experience practicing moving between recognising shame-guilt and decentring from it (in that order) is needed for white anti-racists to do this work respectfully and effectively. Of course, we cannot be perfect in this movement but we need to develop these skills and learn from our mistakes. It has to be one of our commitments and we need to create spaces for this to happen. More on that later.

Let me explore the first part of this movement. We first need to learn to recognise shame-guilt as what it is, and through whatever defenses and resistances we might be employing against it. If we are white, our shame-guilt might be manifesting in plenty of different ways.

Take these questions as an example, or as exploration prompts: when we hear something about whiteness, or the harms of racism, how to we react? Anger? Sadness? Do we disagree? Do we immediately accept it? What lies behind our reactions? Do we disconnect from ourselves? How to de feel about ourselves when that is happening? How do we feel about ourselves when we’re learning about racism?

If we turn to shame as a painful but potentially generative experience, we can begin to process it. Judy Ryde reminds us that shame and guilt can be motivators, which prompt us to take responsibility for the situation (2009), to try to change it in alignment to our deepest moral values.

Australian criminologist John Braithwaite speaks of reintegrative shame (1989). He separates the shameful action from the totality of the person, denounces the offense but not the offender. I would add, in the context of anti-racism, it is still important not to separate ourselves from what we are doing. Let’s recognise our own racism and our potential to do harm.

We then can focus on a path where we can change the kind of action that created the shameful results: an apology, and a change of behaviour, which may include restitution and reparations. This is what many practices of restorative justice coming from Indigenous traditions focus on.

Helen Merell Lynd, a psychologist, talks about the importance of shame to reveal to us the ideals we hold for long term life purposes and goals. This may include actions and ways of being. She says shame may throw an unexpected light on who one is, one’s shortcomings, and point the way toward who one may become. In this way, when faced instead of covered, shame can be a revelatory experience.

For example, situations where we have filled societal norms but have failed our own conscience, which can be common in a white supremacist society, can be sources of shame which then reveals a crucial insight into our society and ourselves. Shame in this way can become generative for social activists, accompanists and therapists.

I would even say, once we learn to recognise it underneath our defenses, we can let it quietly inform us when it is time to reconsider our ways. We can let it be the sign that we need to move toward change, toward decentring, and be more disciplined in our anti-racism.

Bearing with… without centring yourself

How to process feelings of shame-guilt is outside of the scope of this article. Spaces like therapy and support groups, white anti-racist spaces, are good to practice this in a safe environment and without risking harm to people of colour.

In my view, this work needs a delicate balance between compassion and space for feelings of shame, and steadfast readiness to decentre from it as soon as needed, swiftly and firmly. Self-compassion is not self-indulgence. White anti-racists need to learn not to be indulgent with this.

To this date I haven’t found any in-depth text on the subject, but I draw what I write here from my own journey. I sense much hesitancy among mental health professionals to talk about emotional robustness and decentring from one’s experience. This mentality is part of what keeps this profession far away from any real social justice conversation, and further away from real change. Even people that could be deemed allies will give unending space and time to the privileged experience. But this is not what this article is about.

Decentring from one’s own experience can be considered the opposite of what we learn to do as therapists. It may seem unempathetic and even cruel, when we spent much of our training learning about the damage of dismissing, discounting and repressing our emotional experiences.

Let me get this out once and for all. I will never tire of repeating it, and every mental health professional should know this: when you centre white experiences, even when these are cathartic experiences of shame and guilt, you are the one actively harming people of colour. I know these feelings seem important, and they are, they need to be recognised and digested. But believe me when I say, mixed spaces of conversation about oppression are not the place to do that. When this happens, it repeats and reinforces experiences of racial trauma. It is very damaging.

Now that we got that out of the way I will attempt to describe what I mean by decentring.

Of course, I haven’t come up with this by myself. I am profoundly indebted to practitioners who have done this work before me and have created spaces to help others learn and grow. One of them is the amazing Sage Stephanou, for their gentle holding of a space in which to process the embodied experience of shame.

The other person I am thinking of is Robert Downes, for his generous teaching in his workshop “Complicating the White Therapist”. I will never forget how he compassionately but firmly acknowledged our difficult feelings, to then steer us away from them and into the bigger picture again. Time and again, he did it, with patience for our selves, but with no patience for our whiteness.

Feeling this is hard, but being at the receiving end of racism, is harder. Never forget that, it does not mean you have to repress your feelings, it doesn’t mean you cannot honour them. It means you need to learn to give more space to something else than your feelings. Something bigger, like justice and liberation for all.

There’s definitely a time for shame, to learn to recognise it, name it, process it. And there’s a time to decentre from it. Find the balance. Find the appropriate spaces. Prepare for making mistakes and bearing with the consequences. If that happens, again, time to recognise it, and time to decentre from it. All in the appropriate times and spaces. Think of it as a practice, but prepare to feel uncomfortable, and prepare to be firm with yourself.

I have said it before, this requires building robustness, and knowing where your support is. It may also require you to do in-depth work on your own undeserved shame in your personal therapy, so it doesn’t get into the mix later on.

In addition, work on having a clear understanding of your commitment to the anti-racism struggle. Know why you do it, why you fight for change. Keep that reason in mind as often as possible and let it become stronger than your need to hide or to defend against the shame.

Western style therapy is about centring our ego. Let’s use that space for that, then learn to decentre when we are in community. Let’s learn to bear with difficult feelings while we decentre and we try to dialogue and work with others.

Conclusion

I am of the mind that, the more a white person is healthily attuned to their own humanity the more they are bound to feel shame-guilt. Moreover, the more they learn and become aware of the enormity of the harm committed by racism, historically and present-day harm (and how they benefit from it), the more this shame-guilt becomes enormous too. It may seem at times almost too big to hold within oneself, too heavy to carry. Probably because our white mindset and society does not prepare us to feel any kind of shame. It teaches us it’s bad, unbearable, and avoidable. This is not true. As social animals we are made to feel deserved shame to regulate social life. Through shame and guilt, we are also finding our way towards fighting for equality, relinquishing power and hopefully, reparations.

Living life with integrity is often a complex endeavour, full of mistakes, failures, fear and pain. But it is also the only way to remain aligned to ourselves and others. It is worth it. Ultimately no matter how uncomfortable and even painful this experience may be, remember you can go through it. It won’t kill you. Remember racism does kill people of colour. Take this as a call to find strength to join the struggle for real change.

Finally, saying “shame is unhelpful” does not help us move through these feelings. After much reflection on the subject, I remembered Brené Brown might be very famous and she might have said many great things. She’s also very white. Attempting to discard shame is a function of whiteness. Is an attempt to disconnect from emotions, especially difficult ones, and stay in brain and action.

Social justice requires embodied presence. Social justice hurts because it deals with pain and oppression. Connecting to that is part of the work. But also cultivating connection, radical love and hope in community. Feelings that may become strong enough to help us bear with the shame.

References

Braithwaite J. (1989) Crime, Shame and Reintegration. Cambridge University Press

LeBron C. (2013) The Color of Our Shame: Race and Justice in Our Time. New York, Oxford University Press

Markus H.R. & Kitayama S. (1991) Culture and the Self: Implications for Cognition, Emotion, and Motivation. Psychological Review. 98(2). 224-253

Ryde J. (2009) Being White in the Helping Professions: developing effective intercultural awareness. London, Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

Watkins M. (2019) Mutual Accompaniment and the Creation of the Commons. London, Yale University Press

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