Clinical Work . Coloniality

A “missing comparison”, bringing the divide into focus

On February 12, 2021 by sarmientoverano

 By: Lucia Sarmiento Verano 

(Disclaimer: this article is based on my own personal experience of being an immigrant from the Global South in Europe. I cannot claim to speak for all immigrants.)

Coming to Europe from the South means finding myself interacting everyday with people across an invisible divide. I say invisible because most of the time, it is out of my awareness. Usually, it just feels like we are two people connecting and exchanging. But from time to time, something happens: a word, an opinion, a reaction that reminds me of a distance that separates our two perspectives. A gap that never really seems to close. It does not diminish through time either. For me, it has widened as I slowly became aware of it while trying to find the source of this discomfort.

Whenever I become aware of such gap, I also become aware that it remains visible only to me. I believe this distance between me and others here in Europe comes from the difference in our geographical origins, more specifically, in the difference of perspectives from the Global South and the North. Two different perspectives, two paradigms, often irreconcilable.

A divide between a cultural Centre and Margin

I moved to Europe from South America almost 13 years ago and although it took me some time to understand, I believe I have identified where this divide comes from. It is not the same to grow up in the South of the world, as it is to grow up in the North. This may seem obvious, but I believe we don’t often spend time reflecting on what it might entail on a deeper level. And by the South I mean, outside of the Western bubble. It is, of course, not the same to grow up in South America or in South Asia for example, and experiences greatly differ depending on ethnicity or socioeconomic status. In this piece I will be reflecting only from my own experience as a South American encountering European minds.

What I believe I am talking about here is the fact that living in South America means living in proximity, whether within or having direct vision of, the tangible effects of the global matrix of power and oppression. The presence of violence, dehumanisation and death is a constant, the exceptions to ethical relationships become the norm and we quickly understand that ethics do not apply to all human beings (Maldonado-Torres, 2007).

These realities are visible in everyday life, sometimes in our very flesh: poverty, exclusion, violence. These effects are also present in everything we see: media, news, the history we learn, etc. Our studying and working lives often seem to be directly connected to the Global North, either as a direct source of power (employment or aid), of entertainment, or aspirations. We know exactly who you are and how you think, including how you see us, which also may have become the way we see ourselves and our land, turning into a devaluing self-negating concept of self.

What I hadn’t counted on when I first crossed the Atlantic to come to this continent, is that none of the opposite is true. Here we are absent, we are a distant reality, so far away that we aren’t even an afterthought. And it wouldn’t even occur to the average European that different perspectives and experiences of the world exist across oceans (yes, I have heard people here declare this on a superficial level, but problems seem to arise when it is a matter of truly accepting and living that reality).

Not only this but there is no such proximity to constant dehumanisation, exclusion, violence and death. At least not for the majority of white non-marginalised people here.

This creates perspectives on politics, economy, social reality and power that are completely different, and trying to adopt a European way of thinking feels like trying to follow a recipe with a completely different set of ingredients. Of course, many from the Global South will live forever under the illusion that they are on the other side of the divide, the western side, as many Latin Americans do, believing we fall under the Western umbrella. I often wondered at that level of self-negation. But that’s for another time.

Let me give examples to illustrate something that may seem a bit abstract:

In my experience, there probably hasn’t been a single time where I, talking about corruption and violence issues in my home country, haven’t had an answer implying rather explicitly that here in Europe, that also happens. This seems to be an automatic response because as I say I cannot recall one single instance in which that hasn’t happened. But do not take my word for it as I may sometimes suffer from selective memory. Why not instead ask my fellow immigrants to see if this corresponds to their experience.

Another similar example: when speaking about violence against women and girls in South America I get “it’s bad here too, women still get killed”. Yes, OK, it is bad everywhere. But when I hear people drawing that comparison between the situation of women and girls in South America and in Europe, it is very clear to me they have absolutely no idea about what I’m talking about. Their experience does not let them even fathom the level of violence I am talking about. What is more annoying to me is that there is not even the slightest intention to try and make that effort of imagining a different reality. If to that I respond that “no, it is actually not the same” I will for sure enter a sterile debate in which my reality will be relentlessly negated.

Another very common occurrence is talking about a socio-political reality or a problem back home and getting questions or even suggestions as to how to fix it: “but why doesn’t the government do this or that?” “but it doesn’t have to be like that”. Again, proof to me we might be using the same words, but we are miles apart in terms of meaning and realities.

Conversations like these take place all the time, and every time we enter the topic of my region of origin. They will get difficult if I do not drop the ball at this stage. If I try to explain that “it is not that simple”, that “there’s things you are not considering”, I am met with incomprehension and accusations of being arrogant. If I take it further and attempt an explanation as to why the Global South will never solve its problem under the current system and talk about the north’s responsibilities in the situation, I am being shaming, aggressive and divisive, trying to “blame others for our own problems”.

Of all the divides that can exist between people, I believe the colonial divide (north/south) to be the widest and the most insurmountable. It encompasses historical and geographical differences, ethnic and racial differences, historical power differentials and the socioeconomic status divide that naturally comes from this. It is the divide between a cultural Centre and Margin, and it is wider and deeper than any ideological divide. And although colonial and ideological divide may be related, there’s not necessarily a causality between them. I’m still exploring these notions.

There’s a certain unspeakable quality to our different visions, to this colonial difference, that makes it hard to explain. I believe it is a combination of things. The proximity to the reality of the worse effects of the global colonial domination system, life experiences, different types of knowledge, all create an embodied experience of this world, and of the place in which we stand, that is very different in ways that are not always easy to put into words. Embodied knowledge that encompasses all and colours our perspectives with a different quality than the Western lens.

The Cultural Centre is the one dominant perspective reproduced everywhere, Westen culture. The Margin’s perspective, from the South, is the one no one hears about, the one that is difficult to convey as per my examples, because it keeps being denied, unheard, gaslighted, unseen, dismissed, compared to the incomparable. As a therapist, we need to be aware of who is coming from the dominant perspective, the one that everyone takes for granted. More often than not, and because the social realities of our profession, it is the therapist that comes from the Cultural Centre while the client is the one that is most susceptible to hold a marginalised perspective. Holding this reality in mind, we as therapists, need to act accordingly.

Experiences of the colonial divide in therapy: the missing comparison

I am writing all of this because it is not only a social reality for me, and probably for many other immigrants from the Global South, but because I have encountered this attitude to the same extent in the therapy room. In my experience, it takes a slightly different form, but the result is the same: it places us firmly on opposing sides of the divide. Worst thing is, the therapist is often not even aware of what is happening.

Just to give some examples, in past therapy:

• My cultural experience has been compared to the therapist’s cultural experience (not from the same continent)
• Comparisons and similarities drawn with Mediterranean cultures, especially Spanish culture, by peers and therapists
• Comparisons of immigration from the Global South to immigration from a European country
• Dismissal of the specificity of these cultural situations, even after I tried to draw attention to this phenomenon
• Peers insisting that I share their feelings about world events, even after I have explicitly explained why my perspective as a South American is different.

(In TA terms we might say that my perspective has often been “yes but”-ed to oblivion). In therapy these responses take the form of empathic responses. Some sort of reflections on what I’m describing to clarify, or to show understanding. They’re mostly well-meaning and if I do not make it clear that they are deeply uncomfortable, then the therapist or peer will continue to believe they are a good source of connection.

I call these ‘missing comparisons’ because when people do this, they seem to be comparing, either explicitly or internally, before speaking, two realities that seem similar to them. However, these realties cannot be compared, and the therapist seems to be drawing conclusions from them when in fact, they are totally missing the point. I almost always experience this as an attempt by the other person to come closer, or draw a bridge between our two differing realities, to experience connection and to reassure either me of themselves that they get it, they can understand what I am talking about and we are not alone. I am not sure if they come from a place of anxiety or genuine belief in what they are saying, but the result for me is the total opposite of their aim.

It is the jarring moment when I suddenly realise deep inside that the person I thought was close and empathetic towards my experience is, in fact, thousands of miles away. And that the gap that separates us is an unbridgeable canyon. It is the more isolating because I know that from the two of us, I am the only one for whom that gap is visible, they continue in their illusion of proximity. And I suspect that if I try to bring attention to the gap, the answer will be defensiveness. In its mildest form, a well-intentioned dismissal of my preoccupation, at its worst an attack, gaslighting or putting the blame of the division on myself.

Here I’d like to make a brief parenthesis: I have many specific examples in mind that I thought would be good to share, as illustrations. And for some reason, I find myself unable to put them to paper. I am now aware that it might be because I do not want to appear shaming of others, and because I am afraid that once I write them down, they won’t seem as jarring as they felt at the time. I am afraid I will discover I have been exaggerating and this whole issue of ‘missing comparisons’ is a product of my imagination. I write this, and think, surely people that have been dismissed and gaslighted for a long time will understand this feeling very well. Anyway, let me continue.

If I really answered what I would have wanted or needed to answer to all the people drawing these false similarities it would have been a struggle. In depth explanations in each of these cases means opening up and putting myself in a position of vulnerability in front of a person who by their own words, is demonstrating a lack of understanding or willingness to put themselves in my shoes for real. I know better than doing that by now.

Think of it as reflecting a client’s words, or paraphrasing, but choosing words that have a completely different meaning. We might be trying our best to mirror the clients experience, to show empathy and accompany them. When this doesn’t work, when the comparison does not fit, we as clients become aware that we are not being seen or heard, either because of laziness or ignorance. It has a deeply isolating effect. It can even be shaming in our core, if it relates to earlier experiences of not being received or mirrored by caregivers. When it happens often, we stop trying to make our experiences understood, no matter the good intentions of our therapist. This may happen over a period of time and it is much more likely if therapist and client come from very different cultural backgrounds or if client has experiences of oppression that the therapist does not share.

I have often left therapy wondering what prompts people to make such false comparisons. What makes us as therapists, abandon the stance of active listening to try what seems like a desperate attempt to grasp a client’s reality, using whatever tools and knowledge or experience we have at hand, which in this case, are absolutely inadequate. In this act, we abandon the client by trying to come closer to them. I often thought we could instead firmly stand where we are, without the need to demonstrate that we grasp something we don’t, and attempt to be authentic about this, while working across the divide.

Working across the divide

Most of us might be telling ourselves right now, it’s OK, I don’t do that. These examples sound bad when written out in this way, but in conversation they can pass almost unnoticed (by everyone except the person aware of the gap, often the person further away from the Cultural Centre or dominant group). They pass as any other empathic intervention.

Instead of sitting in certainty, why not ask yourself the following questions:

• even if you are not saying these things, how may you be perpetuating the downplaying of other perspectives?
• When you are in front of a client, or a person and is from a significantly different background and is trying to convey their experience, how do you internally make sure you are understanding what you are hearing?
• After asking for information to understand, do you end up thinking to yourself things like “ah, it is like when [insert an example situation that you are more familiar with]” or “I think I’ve thought/heard/seen this before”?

How might this “Yes I got it” attitude change or influence your approach, your relationship and level of connection with the client? Especially when your circumstances are so different that no, you couldn’t possibly ever get it? At which point we decide we have enough information? Or at what point we accept that we cannot possibly get it?

There are things that are unspeakable. There are things we cannot understand, only try to empathise with. And that is OK. Being far from a client’s experience does not have to mean we are not good therapists.

To illustrate this, I’ll give a recent example from my current therapy. Trying to seek therapy in my mother tongue I ended up in a Peruvian/Spanish dyad that almost exploded in the first weeks of work. We touched upon the subject of colonial violence through the celebration of the Spanish national day. It did not go very well, evoking feelings of shame in both of us. The fact that we are both immigrants in this country also gave us the short-lived illusion that we could compare our experiences. I quickly became wary and was not feeling heard. Things have gone much better since then and I can only thank her for her professionalism, her authenticity and willingness to be vulnerable and listen.

Through our work, I have come to understand something very important for me as a client. It is that I need something to remain clear between us at all times: an ocean separates us, geographically, historically, socially.

It is absolutely possible to connect, to feel closer, and to work from across this ocean. This has allowed us to do excellent deep work together. The issue comes when one of us pretends we can cross it if we swim hard enough, or long enough, instead of patiently sitting with the discomfort of feeling irremediably distant.

Something I feel would be useful to clarify: I don’t feel oppressed when things like the comparisons I’ve cited above happen. I don’t experience these as an attack. They are somewhat painful though, because I feel farther away, connection and relationship seem unreachable. This can of course, be a huge issue in therapy. It can be the cause for rupture, especially if the therapist remains unaware of this. Even more so when the therapist is unable to receive this information, as it has happened to me in the past, when trying to convey the situation as a client. The rupture then became irreparable.

I am unsure about why the response I have talked about is so automatic in people. There is of course, the fact that people coming from the Cultural Centre have never had to learn to consider and adopt different perspectives. And I also believe there might be other, more personal reasons for everyone. Perhaps it is about acceptance of the existential isolation we are born into and in which our differing perspectives place us. Instead, we let ourselves be prompted by the dream of oneness with all, which, in a world like ours, is only an illusion. This is something life teaches people who stand at the Margin, but not the ones who stand at the Centre. For them, for Europeans, deeply considering perspectives in contradiction to their own seems to be almost unbearable at times.

Working across the divide can be about sitting across very different experiences corresponding to our places of origin and the different perspectives of reality they produce. However, I want to convey that for me, the problem is not in the difference itself, but it lies in the unwillingness to even acknowledge such unsurmountable differences. A stubborn refusal to see the gap, a cowardly attempt to build false bridges. Such bridges only exist in European privileged minds, because with their ignorant and arrogant words, paired with the weight of our history and structural positions, they have already burnt them.

Even with the closest people, the ones that deeply care for me and for whom I deeply care. The divide comes to awareness from time to time. The more I care about the relationship the more painful it becomes.

Yes, we are all humans, if I must say so to satisfy my therapist colleagues. However, when speaking of certain topics, there’s no WE. We do not see the same things, not with the same eyes. Sometimes we are separate in the things that matter most, humanely and ideologically. That seems inevitable, and it is ok. Like I previously said, the divide does not prevent a strong relationship, good therapeutic work, deep connection or care.

Being far away and close at the same time. Perhaps it is a contradiction that is hard to hold for some. That being said, I feel much more comfortable having to hold contradictions like these which speak of harsh realities than to try to reach some synthesis, or than simply pretending these contradictions do not exist. Distance and proximity can coexist, such is my experience.

I am putting this blog out there as a call for therapists to pay attention to the existence of this divide and to how we relate to it personally, or when in front of someone that sits right across it. Eventually, we must pay attention to our own feelings of inadequacy or shame, or our own attempts to cross it in ways that are not always appropriate. This, especially when working cross-culturally, cross-racially, and with first and second generation immigrants. Good work can be done if we hold these things in our awareness, and if we are willing to sit with discomfort.

I suspect this experience of becoming at times aware of the divide is similar for people when realising their therapists are not even aware of their own difference and privilege. But if it corresponds or not to experiences of marginalised folks, it is not for me to say. I am here writing about my own experience and how I made sense of it.

From my experience as an immigrant and a client, there is an undeniable distance between perspectives of people born in the South and people born in the North. It is the fact that this divide goes largely unacknowledged that prevents us from meaningful contact, opening the door to dismissal and harm.

Reference:

Maldonado-Torres N. (2007), On the Coloniality of Being, Cultural Studies, 21:2, 240 – 270